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It's been 3 months or so since I moved here. There've been some really good times. Times that I looked forward to all my life. Times that I never thought I would enjoy. New experiences and learning more about myself. I'm glad about that, but not everything has been sunshine and daisies. Even though my high points in life have been higher here in Japan, my low points have also been much stronger. I thought I had it mostly under control after I graduated, but in reality, it was just going through the normal cycle of moods.
Facing the personal problems I have on my own here without a well established support group (I mean, I trust certain people out of necessity, but I haven't known them long enough to really feel completely comfortable just letting go of my composure completely.) has been incredibly taxing. I've had a lot of time to myself without distractions to think about why I am the way I am, why I've been a really shitty friend sometimes, and really ask why I react the way I do to certain things. I've been aware for a while now, maybe 2 1/2 years that I should probably go to some kind of therapy. My problems aren't that serious in root, but when I'm on a low, they take me to a whole different level of pain. Maybe due to my ethnic background, maybe due to my own pride and stubbornness, I have been adamant about going to therapy. Not that in certain cases I haven't tried, just every time I've tried to get help when I really absolutely needed it, clinics were all booked for months, and online resources would disconnect from chats. Not to mention that I lived with my parents until moving here, and to keep the situation less stressful for me (not having to provide them reasons why I feel the way I feel because they'll ask 100 questions and end up blaming themselves for something that has nothing to do with that.) I wanted to look for help on my own time, which immediately took out the phone therapy option since there was always someone in the house.
I've only been able to take myself to find therapy alone once, and the other couple times I needed a friend to be present and hold me accountable. Looking back on it, I realize I'm probably hesitant to go alone because I don't think I absolutely need it. I might be treating a broken bone like a simple scrape, but there's a certain pride to having made it so far in life without having had help. Getting myself to stop self harm was a huge accomplishment. Being able to get through a day ridden with panic attacks, also an extraordinary feat in my mind. Working on stopping and smelling the flowers, on not having a panic attack when life is stressful and I have to talk to new people, not crying myself to sleep because I can't stop thinking about my failures in life, there's a certain pride behind all these things that I want to accomplish.
I really didn't want to make this about me, but it ended up being important to preface the following with the above.
Sometimes, when people need help, they won't go find it on their own. There's pride to think about. There's previous experiences to think about. There's cultural backgrounds and ideas to think about. There's so much behind the thought of "I don't really need therapy". All I ever heard in high school and middle school was that life gets better, and that my problems weren't that bad, someone else always had it worse. That message doesn't help anyone. So what if someone else has it worse? I'm not currently living their life, struggling through their struggles, or even worried about the same things they are. It's a statement meant to put your own problems in perspective, but sometimes when the source of your inner pain has no particular cause, it just belittles you, and sends out the message that you are not worth even a "what's wrong?" or an "I'm sorry." and a hug.
Instead of telling anyone that, if you ever find yourself in a situation where your friend or loved one needs help, and wants to get it but can't bring themself to, then offer to go with them. Offer them your time, lend them an ear. Be supportive in helping them find help, especially when they really want to find it. If they say, "I know I should get help, but my problems aren't that bad/I kinda don't wanna go/they're just gonna tell me what I already know/they're always busy/It's not that important, I'll be fine." tell them, "Hey, you've been through a lot. You've worked hard on your accomplishments. You've been really strong through all of this, and you're that much more amazing for it. But now it's time to take a break and let yourself rest. No one will think any less of you for it, and you won't be weak or needy or useless because of it. Let's go together and find some good help." And give them a hug. Sometimes, we need a very kind, warm extra push from our friends or loved ones to go find help. They'll probably appreciate you for it. Even if they don't go that day, or that month, just remind them every once in a while that you're there and ready to go find help with them. Make a date of it. Make it an experience that they won't want to avoid like the plague.
Sometimes, that's all we really need. I really wish I had realized it sooner before I moved to another country and treated my friends back home like shit.
Facing the personal problems I have on my own here without a well established support group (I mean, I trust certain people out of necessity, but I haven't known them long enough to really feel completely comfortable just letting go of my composure completely.) has been incredibly taxing. I've had a lot of time to myself without distractions to think about why I am the way I am, why I've been a really shitty friend sometimes, and really ask why I react the way I do to certain things. I've been aware for a while now, maybe 2 1/2 years that I should probably go to some kind of therapy. My problems aren't that serious in root, but when I'm on a low, they take me to a whole different level of pain. Maybe due to my ethnic background, maybe due to my own pride and stubbornness, I have been adamant about going to therapy. Not that in certain cases I haven't tried, just every time I've tried to get help when I really absolutely needed it, clinics were all booked for months, and online resources would disconnect from chats. Not to mention that I lived with my parents until moving here, and to keep the situation less stressful for me (not having to provide them reasons why I feel the way I feel because they'll ask 100 questions and end up blaming themselves for something that has nothing to do with that.) I wanted to look for help on my own time, which immediately took out the phone therapy option since there was always someone in the house.
I've only been able to take myself to find therapy alone once, and the other couple times I needed a friend to be present and hold me accountable. Looking back on it, I realize I'm probably hesitant to go alone because I don't think I absolutely need it. I might be treating a broken bone like a simple scrape, but there's a certain pride to having made it so far in life without having had help. Getting myself to stop self harm was a huge accomplishment. Being able to get through a day ridden with panic attacks, also an extraordinary feat in my mind. Working on stopping and smelling the flowers, on not having a panic attack when life is stressful and I have to talk to new people, not crying myself to sleep because I can't stop thinking about my failures in life, there's a certain pride behind all these things that I want to accomplish.
I really didn't want to make this about me, but it ended up being important to preface the following with the above.
Sometimes, when people need help, they won't go find it on their own. There's pride to think about. There's previous experiences to think about. There's cultural backgrounds and ideas to think about. There's so much behind the thought of "I don't really need therapy". All I ever heard in high school and middle school was that life gets better, and that my problems weren't that bad, someone else always had it worse. That message doesn't help anyone. So what if someone else has it worse? I'm not currently living their life, struggling through their struggles, or even worried about the same things they are. It's a statement meant to put your own problems in perspective, but sometimes when the source of your inner pain has no particular cause, it just belittles you, and sends out the message that you are not worth even a "what's wrong?" or an "I'm sorry." and a hug.
Instead of telling anyone that, if you ever find yourself in a situation where your friend or loved one needs help, and wants to get it but can't bring themself to, then offer to go with them. Offer them your time, lend them an ear. Be supportive in helping them find help, especially when they really want to find it. If they say, "I know I should get help, but my problems aren't that bad/I kinda don't wanna go/they're just gonna tell me what I already know/they're always busy/It's not that important, I'll be fine." tell them, "Hey, you've been through a lot. You've worked hard on your accomplishments. You've been really strong through all of this, and you're that much more amazing for it. But now it's time to take a break and let yourself rest. No one will think any less of you for it, and you won't be weak or needy or useless because of it. Let's go together and find some good help." And give them a hug. Sometimes, we need a very kind, warm extra push from our friends or loved ones to go find help. They'll probably appreciate you for it. Even if they don't go that day, or that month, just remind them every once in a while that you're there and ready to go find help with them. Make a date of it. Make it an experience that they won't want to avoid like the plague.
Sometimes, that's all we really need. I really wish I had realized it sooner before I moved to another country and treated my friends back home like shit.
Home-coming, 5 months back
Hey there. It's been a while hasn't it? I know no one is seriously gonna read this at this point, so I'll be working through a few thoughts I guess. I rarely ever post here anymore. Not for lack of art, but other more important projects have cropped up, and they're not things I would like to relinquish my rights to on DA. I guess I really only come here to peruse through my own gallery, reminiscing old times and old art.
It's been 5 months since I moved back from Japan. And I thought I'd be ready to handle everything. Thought I'd be on top of everything that needed doing, like jobs and doctors and purpose and moving forward. And I really, tr
Brain Farts and Blurbs
Well, I'm about 32 hours from flying home for spring break and spending some well needed time with my family and friends. I've really missed my friends. Not that the people here in Ono are bad or anything, but there's a certain trust bond that I'd already built with my friends back home before moving here. I miss the dumb jokes we tell each other and the random ihop visits we do after long nights at karaoke. I think I'm most excited about the convention I get to see them all at. It's always been a small but fun convention, and I've gone since it began back in 2012. Not gonna lie, preparing everything for the host club from another country has
Shower thoughts
I got around to reminiscing in the shower today. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. I remembered a time when my boyfriend gave me some stargazer lilies for valentine's day. They're my favorite flower, I love the aroma, the colors, how the bells open up so much yet the buds are so narrow. In contrast, my mother can't tolerate them for too long, the fragrance gives her migranes, and she prefers carnations because they last longer and their fragrance is very light.
So, I got to comparing flowers with personalities. I know once people reach a certain level of "social link" with me, I can be pretty difficult to get along with at times. Peop
On my own! :D
So I've been gone a while because I graduated, got a job that required an hour commute to and from it, and then bettering my cosplay game became a thing, and then signing up for JET became a huuuuge chore, but at least it got done because if it hadn't been done I wouldn't be in my own apartment out in the Japanese inaka right now! :D
So a few things, compared to my old job and old hours, I have more time to do things now and I will be trying to keep up with my projects and comics, especially come wintertime, as the snow here gets to about my waist-height and ain't nobody got time for that. :I Also since there are fewer conventions here and
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Girl it's time for you to get on a huge emotional HIGH
you know what I'm talkin bout?
Yo soul need ta be 420 friendly, but with hugs and love from you friends here in 'Murrica
Just you get to go to nipponland doesn't mean you don't have a home back hurr
We miss/love(and occasionally like) you!
you know what I'm talkin bout?
Yo soul need ta be 420 friendly, but with hugs and love from you friends here in 'Murrica
Just you get to go to nipponland doesn't mean you don't have a home back hurr
We miss/love(and occasionally like) you!