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Well, I've been back from Japan for a month now, and I'm as depressed as ever. Post-trip blues normally don't hit me so hard, but going to Japan was the trip of my life. Yeah, the studying was hard, and nearly drove me insane since I was in a harder level than I thought it would be. But thinking about the great times I had with the friends I made, the places I saw, the people I met and just daily life over there, I really miss it. That culture and way of life is something that is impossible to find in the United States. Even as a kid, I've never felt I fit into American culture. The friends I make, the places I go, my daily habits, are all just things I have to do to not go crazy. Even with my Mexican heritage and family that lives there, I don't fit in Mexico either. I've always been in this eternal place that's neither one nor the other. So when I first saw how Japanese culture was like through manga and anime and travel channel shows, I was fascinated, and I knew that that's where I needed to be. Though over time I lost hope that I'd ever get a chance to go there. I settled into the culture as best I could, and drowned out my need to go there. Now that I've gone and experienced it all, I know I can get along there. It would be hard to get along without friends or people I knew. And I'm sure the people I met at the college program will have graduated and moved on by the time I get to return. But Japan just gave me this sense of belonging, I felt healthy, and my daily habits improved. I didn't eat out of boredom, nor did I spend all day indoors for fear of being mugged, robbed or raped. I could explore the town whenever I wanted. I could find a random clerk who would be fascinated by my ability to communicate so well in such a difficult language. Everything was new, everything was a learning experience, I was free from the chains of distance that exist in America. Streets were clean, the air was clean, the water was clean, and it rained in abundance. I was free to do as I chose, and deal with the consequences of my decisions. I could finally rely on myself and on my ability without the worries of safety that Americans face daily.
Now that I'm back, I know that if I returned to Japan, I'd have to give up all the friends I love dearly, and seeing my cousins every couple of months. I might even have to let go of my boyfriend, whom I love with all my heart. I don't think I could choose between the happiness I experienced in Japan, and the happiness I experience with him. Not to mention that going back for a prolonged time would require me to have a stable job or studies or both. In such a small, super-populated country, that'll be next to impossible. And I"m not sure I could really study well in Japan, as studying is not my forte. And to get a decent job I'd need to pass the JLPT 2 at least, if not JLPT 1, and we all know that that's impossible with the amount of Japanese classes they offer in my area now. *sigh* I'm pretty much stuck here, doomed to be somewhat unhappy with my life a while longer until I can marry my boyfriend and life over there with him for a bit, or just let go and live there for a long time.
I just don't think I can deal with those prospects. But I also don't want to be unhappy with my life and job here for the rest of my life. College graduation is approaching next spring, and I don't even want to go to grad school. Why would I need grad school to be a medical interpreter? I don't want to go into teaching, cus I'm crappy at explaining things. And translation jobs are generally freelance...which frankly isn't a steady source of income to pay off college debts.....Maybe if I could somehow go into a tales game and live there for the rest of my life I could deal with things better. X( Uuughhh.........
Now that I'm back, I know that if I returned to Japan, I'd have to give up all the friends I love dearly, and seeing my cousins every couple of months. I might even have to let go of my boyfriend, whom I love with all my heart. I don't think I could choose between the happiness I experienced in Japan, and the happiness I experience with him. Not to mention that going back for a prolonged time would require me to have a stable job or studies or both. In such a small, super-populated country, that'll be next to impossible. And I"m not sure I could really study well in Japan, as studying is not my forte. And to get a decent job I'd need to pass the JLPT 2 at least, if not JLPT 1, and we all know that that's impossible with the amount of Japanese classes they offer in my area now. *sigh* I'm pretty much stuck here, doomed to be somewhat unhappy with my life a while longer until I can marry my boyfriend and life over there with him for a bit, or just let go and live there for a long time.
I just don't think I can deal with those prospects. But I also don't want to be unhappy with my life and job here for the rest of my life. College graduation is approaching next spring, and I don't even want to go to grad school. Why would I need grad school to be a medical interpreter? I don't want to go into teaching, cus I'm crappy at explaining things. And translation jobs are generally freelance...which frankly isn't a steady source of income to pay off college debts.....Maybe if I could somehow go into a tales game and live there for the rest of my life I could deal with things better. X( Uuughhh.........
Home-coming, 5 months back
Hey there. It's been a while hasn't it? I know no one is seriously gonna read this at this point, so I'll be working through a few thoughts I guess. I rarely ever post here anymore. Not for lack of art, but other more important projects have cropped up, and they're not things I would like to relinquish my rights to on DA. I guess I really only come here to peruse through my own gallery, reminiscing old times and old art.
It's been 5 months since I moved back from Japan. And I thought I'd be ready to handle everything. Thought I'd be on top of everything that needed doing, like jobs and doctors and purpose and moving forward. And I really, tr
Brain Farts and Blurbs
Well, I'm about 32 hours from flying home for spring break and spending some well needed time with my family and friends. I've really missed my friends. Not that the people here in Ono are bad or anything, but there's a certain trust bond that I'd already built with my friends back home before moving here. I miss the dumb jokes we tell each other and the random ihop visits we do after long nights at karaoke. I think I'm most excited about the convention I get to see them all at. It's always been a small but fun convention, and I've gone since it began back in 2012. Not gonna lie, preparing everything for the host club from another country has
Shower thoughts
I got around to reminiscing in the shower today. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. I remembered a time when my boyfriend gave me some stargazer lilies for valentine's day. They're my favorite flower, I love the aroma, the colors, how the bells open up so much yet the buds are so narrow. In contrast, my mother can't tolerate them for too long, the fragrance gives her migranes, and she prefers carnations because they last longer and their fragrance is very light.
So, I got to comparing flowers with personalities. I know once people reach a certain level of "social link" with me, I can be pretty difficult to get along with at times. Peop
On a huge emotional low...
It's been 3 months or so since I moved here. There've been some really good times. Times that I looked forward to all my life. Times that I never thought I would enjoy. New experiences and learning more about myself. I'm glad about that, but not everything has been sunshine and daisies. Even though my high points in life have been higher here in Japan, my low points have also been much stronger. I thought I had it mostly under control after I graduated, but in reality, it was just going through the normal cycle of moods.
Facing the personal problems I have on my own here without a well established support group (I mean, I trust certain peopl
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