*sigh*...

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Well, I've been back from Japan for a month now, and I'm as depressed as ever. Post-trip blues normally don't hit me so hard, but going to Japan was the trip of my life. Yeah, the studying was hard, and nearly drove me insane since I was in a harder level than I thought it would be. But thinking about the great times I had with the friends I made, the places I saw, the people I met and just daily life over there, I really miss it. That culture and way of life is something that is impossible to find in the United States. Even as a kid, I've never felt I fit into American culture. The friends I make, the places I go, my daily habits, are all just things I have to do to not go crazy. Even with my Mexican heritage and family that lives there, I don't fit in Mexico either. I've always been in this eternal place that's neither one nor the other. So when I first saw how Japanese culture was like through manga and anime and travel channel shows, I was fascinated, and I knew that that's where I needed to be. Though over time I lost hope that I'd ever get a chance to go there. I settled into the culture as best I could, and drowned out my need to go there. Now that I've gone and experienced it all, I know I can get along there. It would be hard to get along without friends or people I knew. And I'm sure the people I met at the college program will have graduated and moved on by the time I get to return. But Japan just gave me this sense of belonging, I felt healthy, and my daily habits improved. I didn't eat out of boredom, nor did I spend all day indoors for fear of being mugged, robbed or raped. I could explore the town whenever I wanted. I could find a random clerk who would be fascinated by my ability to communicate so well in such a difficult language. Everything was new, everything was a learning experience, I was free from the chains of distance that exist in America. Streets were clean, the air was clean, the water was clean, and it rained in abundance. I was free to do as I chose, and deal with the consequences of my decisions. I could finally rely on myself and on my ability without the worries of safety that Americans face daily.

Now that I'm back, I know that if I returned to Japan, I'd have to give up all the friends I love dearly, and seeing my cousins every couple of months. I might even have to let go of my boyfriend, whom I love with all my heart. I don't think I could choose between the happiness I experienced in Japan, and the happiness I experience with him. Not to mention that going back for a prolonged time would require me to have a stable job or studies or both. In such a small, super-populated country, that'll be next to impossible. And I"m not sure I could really study well in Japan, as studying is not my forte. And to get a decent job I'd need to pass the JLPT 2 at least, if not JLPT 1, and we all know that that's impossible with the amount of Japanese classes they offer in my area now. *sigh* I'm pretty much stuck here, doomed to be somewhat unhappy with my life a while longer until I can marry my boyfriend and life over there with him for a bit, or just let go and live there for a long time.

I just don't think I can deal with those prospects. But I also don't want to be unhappy with my life and job here for the rest of my life. College graduation is approaching next spring, and I don't even want to go to grad school. Why would I need grad school to be a medical interpreter? I don't want to go into teaching, cus I'm crappy at explaining things. And translation jobs are generally freelance...which frankly isn't a steady source of income to pay off college debts.....Maybe if I could somehow go into a tales game and live there for the rest of my life I could deal with things better. X( Uuughhh.........
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